I'm trying to keep posting regularly even though I'm not sure I've got anything worth saying.
I am slightly zonked out on Chlorpromazine; also, I didn't sleep well and dreamt that I was at the dressings clinic at the Burns Unit. A doctor was asking me lots of strange, personal questions and implied that I was a liar. Then I woke up. Any kind of implication or accusation that I am a liar upsets me. Ok, I lie, sometimes. Doesn't everyone? Mainly it's to protect people, or to avoid revealing something that I am ashamed of. But about the Big Stuff - I do not lie.
I know where this comes from. The 'allegations' of abuse that were apparantly a lie, according to family members and social services. I allowed them to bully me into retracting them and thus branding myself as a liar and a fantasist. Now, I often worry that people don't believe things I am telling them. Sometimes I don't even believe myself. I even think that my whole life history could have been a lie, a story that I made up.
This post is not going where I thought it would. I feel like I'm drifting into subjects that I am not sure I can deal with at the moment. I am struggling with the desire to go and buy some more acid to burn myself with. I don't think I'll use it straight away but I feel like I need to have it just in case.
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