The damage I do *trigger for self harm*

Why do I not take the harm I do to myself seriously enough? I remember a therapist telling me to imagine that the these injuries were inflicted by someone else, to someone I care about. How would I feel? Not only would it be a crime but it would make me angry, distressed and wanting to do anything I could to help.

When it's me doing it to myself, I find it hard to feel anything other than annoyance at myself, and sometimes regret. Sometimes I'm even strangely satisfied with the injuries, if I feel they are "bad" enough. But if they are too bad, it scares me and I do worry about what will happen if one day I go too far and do damage that is permanently disabling. It's too late to worry about scars, about 20 years too late. But if I were to lose the use of any part of my body, especially my hands/arms, I would be devastated.

My latest bout of self harm has scared me as I haven't burnt myself for ten years. I have cut myself, but managed to stay away from A+E for self harm. But the burns are too serious to treat myself - I hoped I could, but as there are now 3 quite large 3rd degree burns on my arms, I am facing months of dressings at the Burns Unit. I didn't want skin grafts, and the Burns Team were concerned that I may not be mentally well enough to cope with surgery. So it's goodbye arms, hello bandages.

I don't actually like the blood and gore aspect of self harm so every time I see my arms, I feel disgusted and freakish. Part of me wants to wake up tomorrow and to be completely healed. But another part of me wants the pain, the punishment, the hospitals and the care I receive.

I hope this is just a blip. My psychiatrist has upped my meds, and I am considering becoming a day patient if things don't improve, just for a couple of months to get me back on track.

I am not sure if I'm mentally "unwell" or not. I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling exactly, and this frustrates me. I have days when I'm lethargic and feel disconnected from the world. I have days when I am agitated and fearful and anxious. I seem to flip from one state to the other, maybe a couple of weeks of the lethargy and then few days of the agitation.

Today I'm lethargic. This is safer - I'm more likely to harm when I'm agitated. Today, I haven't got the energy.