This blog is turning into a pain and trauma-fest, which was not my intention. At the moment, my life revolves around therapy, self harm, trying not to self-harm, emotional suffering and the struggle to survive it all. I wish I had something positive to say but the past week has been difficult with two major incidents of self harm, and I am feeling overwhelmed.
I am not sure if I can use words to convey exactly how I feel. They seem too detached, too controlled, too trite. I have tried using art; there is an art therapy group at the Day Unit once a week, and it's one of the most helpful groups for me. But although the painting I did in the group yesterday was full of emotion, it looked too "nice" and another patient said that she liked it and could see it being made into a textile design.
Maybe self harm is the only way to reflect how I feel. My outside looks like my inside feels. I am covered with open wounds and scars. I look like the freak that I am.
I'm still trying to think of something positive to say. There is one thing - I am trying to practice mindfulness. It has been suggested by my therapist that it may help me, and one of the groups at the Day Unit is focussing on learning mindfulness skills. I am aiming to do a mindfulness exercise every day, and then to gradually integrate the concept into my everyday life.
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