Start the year with self-destruction

Will this be the year I self-destruct? Will I still be here this time next year?

Spending the second day of 2011 in A+E after self-harming seems like an ominous sign. I want to say that this will be the last time I burn myself, but it feels inevitable that once the pain from this burn recedes, I will start planning where to do the next one.

Now I have bandages on both arms, from wrist to shoulder, making my arms look padded out, like a Michelin man. Yesterday's burn is mainly full thickness, but around the edges where it is superficial/partial thickness, it is very painful and stinging. My arm has swollen up to twice the usual size and the redness has spread beyond the place where I burnt, which is a bit worrying, as that doesn't usually happen. But I don't want to seem like a drama queen and rush back to the hospital as there may not be anything that they can do. Every time I go to hospital for self harm, I feel guilty and expect to be judged by the medical staff. But when they are kind and respectful, I feel even more guilty as I don't deserve it.

I have forgotten exactly why I ended up harming myself. It's important to remember - I was so lost in my emotional state that I lost the capacity to think rationally. Maybe in my therapy session this week, I can try to disentangle this messy brain of mine