Words cannot express...

This blog is turning into a pain and trauma-fest, which was not my intention. At the moment, my life revolves around therapy, self harm, trying not to self-harm, emotional suffering and the struggle to survive it all. I wish I had something positive to say but the past week has been difficult with two major incidents of self harm, and I am feeling overwhelmed.

I am not sure if I can use words to convey exactly how I feel. They seem too detached, too controlled, too trite. I have tried using art; there is an art therapy group at the Day Unit once a week, and it's one of the most helpful groups for me. But although the painting I did in the group yesterday was full of emotion, it looked too "nice" and another patient said that she liked it and could see it being made into a textile design.

Maybe self harm is the only way to reflect how I feel. My outside looks like my inside feels. I am covered with open wounds and scars. I look like the freak that I am.

I'm still trying to think of something positive to say. There is one thing - I am trying to practice mindfulness. It has been suggested by my therapist that it may help me, and one of the groups at the Day Unit is focussing on learning mindfulness skills. I am aiming to do a mindfulness exercise every day, and then to gradually integrate the concept into my everyday life.

The Largactil shuffle

I've been meaning to post for the last few days, but my messy brain wouldn't let me. I had a case conference on Tuesday and although it was intimidating to sit in a room with all five therapists from the Day Unit plus Superstar psych, I felt that a few helpful suggestions were made. I now have to actually take action but at least I feel that there are things I can do that may help. And even if they don't, I will have tried.

One of my meds has been increased (Chlorpromazine, otherwise known as Largactil) which has reduced the feelings of anxiety and agitation. My head is a bit fuzzy and I feel slowed down but at least I feel more relaxed. And I sleep really well. This medication is a temporary measure - ultimately, it will be the therapy that will improve my state of mind. Although I am worried that it won't. And what then?

I have been at the Day Unit for three weeks, and it has been intense and hard work. It is difficult to explain the therapeutic process. Here is a site with some definitions and description of MBT: http://www.mentalising.com/index.html As a person who is experiencing it in a group and individual setting, the theory doesn't seem apparent and the the dialogue between therapists and patients feels natural and exploratory.

My head is not clear enough to descibe it more at the moment. I am struggling with the weekends and the emptiness of them. I have absolutely nothing to do today, just and empty day to fill and it stretches ahead of me. This is a dangerous time, when I am less strong to resist the urge to harm myself.

Please can someone help me to organise my messy brain?

What is wrong with me? My head is messy, I have thoughts that jump from one idea to another with no connection. It is an effort to perform simple tasks and to make sense of things.

I have thoughts and ideas that I don't want and they seem to come from nowhere. I am looking for signs that will help me to decide whether to self harm or not. So far, there have been about the same of each. I don't know what the signs are until I notice them. They may be words that stand out at me on an advert on a bus shelter or a newspaper someone is reading. Or events or situations that happen.

How will self harm help? It has to be something major, like another burn, as only extreme pain will snap me out of my confusion back into reality. I feel out of sync with my surroundings; the world seems faster, louder and brighter than it should be. When I'm outside, I am fearful and nervous. At home, I am more easily disturbed or irritated by small things.

Being at the Day Unit today helped. It is quiet there, but I'm not on my own. I am trying to use the therapy and be hopeful that it will help. It's all I have. If it doesn't work, then I don't know if I have any more options.

Start the year with self-destruction

Will this be the year I self-destruct? Will I still be here this time next year?

Spending the second day of 2011 in A+E after self-harming seems like an ominous sign. I want to say that this will be the last time I burn myself, but it feels inevitable that once the pain from this burn recedes, I will start planning where to do the next one.

Now I have bandages on both arms, from wrist to shoulder, making my arms look padded out, like a Michelin man. Yesterday's burn is mainly full thickness, but around the edges where it is superficial/partial thickness, it is very painful and stinging. My arm has swollen up to twice the usual size and the redness has spread beyond the place where I burnt, which is a bit worrying, as that doesn't usually happen. But I don't want to seem like a drama queen and rush back to the hospital as there may not be anything that they can do. Every time I go to hospital for self harm, I feel guilty and expect to be judged by the medical staff. But when they are kind and respectful, I feel even more guilty as I don't deserve it.

I have forgotten exactly why I ended up harming myself. It's important to remember - I was so lost in my emotional state that I lost the capacity to think rationally. Maybe in my therapy session this week, I can try to disentangle this messy brain of mine

Want to harm

I really want to burn myself. It feels inevitable that I will do it this weekend. There is a space on my arm that needs to be filled.

My head is hurting and I can't express what I feel or why.

First day

First day at the Day Unit. Only one group today as they are running a reduced timetable over the Christmas period. There were 3 other patients in the group; I think in total there are 6 or 7 patients at the Day Unit at the moment, but attendance fluctuates and it's rare to have a full group.

It was an "Exploratory Group" today. Not exactly sure what we are meant to be exploring or how we are meant to explore it. I am a group therapy veteran, having done two and a half years previously at the Day Unit, plus other therapy groups since. So I know what to expect. But it was still draining, even though I didn't talk much.

So I won't write much today as my head feels so full, and yet I feel empty at the same time.

Am I doing the right thing? That is the question that keeps coming into my mind. What the hell am I doing back at the Day Unit? It's all happened too quickly and it wasn't my idea. I just went along with what Superstar psych thought was for the best. Now I'm not sure. But what else is there?

Three days to fill

I survived Christmas. My mum came over for lunch, which she had prepared (as my cooking skills are seriously impaired at the moment, due to lack of focus and concentration). I struggled to fill the four hours we spent together, as she is not the most talkative person and we don't share many interests, so we run out of things to say.

She pretended not to notice the bandages on my arms, which were covered by the long sleeves that I always wear, but are bulky and make my arms look twice as fat as usual. If she had asked, I would have explained, but she would rather avoid difficult conversations.

I have three days to fill before starting the Day Unit. Three long, empty days alone. In the back of my mind, there is the urge to burn myself again. No, not an urge exactly, more the idea that I could if I wanted to. And if I am not careful, it could become an urge, and then a compulsion that would be difficult to resist.

My concentration is erratic, but my energy levels are up, so the anti-depressant increase has worked. But I feel edgy and itchy (physically, I mean, due to the burns healing process, but it affects me mentally as I become restless and irritable). I feel like I need to go out today, but not sure where. Definitely not anywhere that will be busy. It's still icy so a walk in the park would not be wise as I am clumsy at the moment and I'm sure I will fall over.

I have a few activities at home that will hopefully keep me occupied:

Crochet project - I'm making little toy animals.

Sewing project - finishing off another toy animal.

Jigsaw

Piano practice - something I haven't done for months, but Superstar psych thinks it will help my brain to focus.

Mindfulness exercise - another suggestion from psych - need to do 10 minutes a day


I am scared that this is not enough, that by Tuesday I will be so fed up with this distracting, and the stress level will build up and up. And being alone and having minimal human contact is not good for me and leads to me losing touch with reality and going a bit weird and borderline psychotic.